There's this someone..lets call him 'X'. He does things for me. Sacrifices his time, money, sweat,tears, sends me the LONGEST text...everything. He'd get mad and so worry sometimes, he'd even approach my friends and ask about me. It's been a year since my last breakup and 'X' has always been around even before then. He buys me gifts, flowers, plushies, medicine.. Anything and everything. I'm on the top of his list and I know that. But, Ive never seen him in that light. I always took him as someone I can depend on. Of course, he knows how I feel towards him. He knows it better than anyone else.
It's weird between us. Things get so intense. 'X' is often quite and prefers being alone. Introvert, I'd say. Im the opposite, at least I believe so. I'd attend functions, events, parties... I'd stay out late with friends, chill...run around meeting new people and I have fun doing it. I told him, there's too many reasons why 'we' would never work out. His behaviour, the way he expresses himself around others and even me, is very different from how I'd do it- to the extent I try so hard even just as a friend to make him feel at ease. Yes, SUPPOSINGLY opposites attract, but I know this isn't one of those moments.
The more he is 'there for me', the more I turn to him when I need someone to talk some sense into my head - seems as if Im reciprocating. So I stopped. And in doing so, I know it'd hurt him and our friendship (if you ever could considered it that), but what else m I supposed to do?
Sometimes, tbh, it gets a little creepy. The things that slips out, the things 'X' says, makes me feel as if all the feelings that he harbour towards me or for me, has become his Only purpose to live. As if, without me, he has nothing else. Many might believe he is on the verge of becoming crazy and obsessive...but Idk about that. All I know is that I care for him and Im worried. I don't know how to make him understand.... if his feelings for me is So Strong to the point where it breaks him that bad, can't he see? Can't he understand that every move I make, I'd have to worry what he would say or do or react or feel? I'd have to be so cautious so that he'd be happy. And how is that making me any happier? How is that any more different than my previous relationship? (and well, we know tht it ended)
Then there comes all the ' I can learn/ I can change/ I will change'...NO. Just NO. Idk and Idc what others think or do or believe in, but I, do not want anyone to change for me. Being in a relationship is a lot more than just the element of Love. It takes trust, courage, time, effort etc. Saying that you'd change for someone..is like telling them you're willing to give up years of your life behaving the way you behave, thinking the way you think and maintain that change for as long as you live/ are together. It is possible ofc, just not with me. It is not that I do not believe that you are capable of change, it is because I do not want you to and Im saying that if the reason is ME, then it's not worth it altogether.
If 'X' wants to change for himself, to be better, by all means, go ahead. But if it is solely for me, what is the point? He needs to find someone who can accept him whole, flaws included.
Besides, what sane unselfish 'girlfriend' (IF) would ever want their other half to be unhappy? 'X' tells me that he will accomodate me very much, that he will understand when I need or want to socialize and he'll wait by the sidelines. Now, try imagining being his gf. How would I feel? I want to party with my friends...go wild on the dancefloor or just chill and play boardgames while my 'bf' sits somewhere far behind at the corner watching me..Is that how you picture a healthy relationship? Cause thats definitely not how I picture mine. And yeah maybe 'X' would be cool with that, but I can tell you I wouldn't be. Im easily affected by guilt. My whole circle of friends know that. My parents know that. HE KNOWS THAT. So ultimately, I wouldn't spend time with my friends, I'd just stop. When it comes down to making 'X' nt be himself to be with me or vice versa, it just...it just wont work. Not longterm at least.
'X' tells me he Loves me. Love, is a very very very strong word. Is he sure? That it wasn't because I showed him kindness when no one else did? When I took the effort to ask him whats wrong when he seems to be in emo mode when no one else did? How much does he even know about me to tell me that? He doesn't know a great deal about me, and yet he can tell me that he loves me. He hasn't seen me at my worst, and yet he tells me he loves me. He can't even understand my principles and what I believe in...so how can he love me? I really, do not understand. I've tried every possible way to understand him, but its just a dead end. (maybe its just my stunted mentality >_< )
It's not any easier for me because I care for him. Seeing him sad and lonesome and knowing its because of me doesn't make shit easier. Seeing him almost everyday in class doesn't make it any better. But idk what else to do. He is such a great friend. So passionate and caring. "A girl in a man's body" he'd describe himself as. lol.
Who knows? Maybe down the road another few years,
I might change, you might too. And maybe then if we collide, Who knows.
Anyway, it's 4.20am in the morning and I SO NEED TO STUDY. or get some sleep. been watching sad romantic love movies lately. Eyes all swollen T_T (no joke!)
xoxo
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